They ain’t see me ’cause I pulled up in my other Benz

So,

I was reading an article earlier today on a topic  that I have mixed feelings on. But what I want to mention is a specific line from it that I have spent today reflecting on. The writer stated something along the lines of how relationships, oftentimes, turn into arrangements instead of being connections that serve as catalysts for personal growth. That really struck a chord with me. From the outside looking in, many long-term relationships seem to be arrangements. So many expectations. But shouldn’t things be more dynamic and free-flowing? People change and connections need to be able to change as well. I’ve gotten a lot better about not having my mind jump ahead to best or worst case scenarios. A lot in my life has changed and I plan to keep changing for the better. Shouldn’t everyone?

I screened half of the kindergarteners so far. Here was a snippet from one of my favorites:

Me: Does your mom play with you?

Kid: My mom doesn’t like to play with me. She just likes to watch novelas. That’s hilarious, right? So hilarious.

I took DDD on an Adventure Sunday. We went to the Baha’i temple in Wilmetter and then walked to and around Evanston. The weather was perfect. It was a beautiful day to be outside.

Did you ever know that you’re my hero?

So,

For the first time since the Opening Ceremony, I am actually watching the Olympics. Hurray gymnastics.  How do they get up so high in the air? I’m remembering Dominic Moceanu. Oh and Kerri Strugg. Shannon Miller. How does Simone Biles have so much power? It’s incredible.

Right before, I was at Jewel buying yogurt and 40 folders (two pocket with prongs for 29 cents!). The cashier actually scanned each one, even though they were all the same.  This made the hipster with ugly glasses and gross moustache standing behind me roll his eyes!

My birthday was wonderful, so thank you all for the love. Had two birthday dinners with DDD. Had some birthday drinks with friends during the week and Sunday.  I made us a cake last week. Blueberry white chocolate cheesecake. It was yummy. Now it’s healthy time. I walked 7 miles home from the doctor’s office at Northwestern Memorial. Earlier I had walked 6.7. I’m being encouraged to get a Fitbit so that I can have more steps than all my friends.  Maybe. After my walk, I took am Epsom salt bath because my legs were tired. I drank a Coke slurped while sitting in the tub. It was great. I’m super tired. 

I have a new phone! Same number. Man, this is not a good post. Sorry. Boy things would make it more interesting, no? Don’t have anything too terribly interesting to share. DDD told his mom I exist. And I met his brother. That’s good. And he’s going to read that I wrote that. Anyway.  One last tiny cloud and things can move forward. I look forward to it.

Also, this piece about introvert hangovers is interesting. Read it. http://introvertdear.com/2016/08/11/yes-there-is-such-a-thing-as-an-introvert-hangover/

Here is a photo of the lion I photographed while walking through the zoo on my way home. I also heard the tiger roar and roar and roar.

31

So,

Tomorrow I turn 31. I’m excited. 29 and 30 were two of the best years of my life, so 31 should follow the same upward trajectory. I feel like it took me a while to have fun in life. But now that I know, I’m not stopping! I feel lucky to have an awesome work-life balance and so many warm, friendly, and caring people in my life to spend time with. I do what makes me happy for work and I get to do cool things in an awesome city with friends in my down time. I feel very fortunate to have the life I have.

Tomorrow is also the first real day of school with students.

Tomorrow also happens to be DDD’s birthday. Weird, huh?

Tomorrow is also the anniversary of Chicago first incorporating as a village of 200 in 1833. It’s a sign, I tell ya.

Tomorrow is also Antonio Banderas’ birthday.

Time to go spend time with one of those warm, friendly, caring people now.

Love,

Me

You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.

So,

There was a time when I had several open circles, as MoxieChi called them. Some of them I saw super infrequently. Some more so. One I never actually saw with my own eyes. One I knew outside of that context and would interact with him elsewhere. And there was R with two Bs.  We had some of the most fun dates I have been on ever. But he did not want anything serious and was always super busy. With him, I closed that circle in the spring because liking something you can’t have isn’t good. But he would keep checking in.  Then after I met DDD (Apparently he doesn’t like “dynamic” as a descriptor and would prefer “digital.”  It wouldn’t be fair change it so drastically, so both can be used), when he checked in AGAIN, I told him I was seeing somebody. He told me congratulations and all that jazz and I figured that’d be the last I would hear from him.  UNTIL this Saturday when he kept messaging me. I tried to dissuade him by telling him things that I thought would make him stop. But no. He sent kissy face emojis instead. Then I quit reading the messages and didn’t respond at all. It made me feel uncomfortable overall. It’s funny how guys will continue to check-in every few months. Even Mile Away M, whom I have not seen in a year and a half.  He was the one that ended up having a baby! Yeah. He was a jerk.

In general, I haven’t done too much crying about my mom in the past two years. When I think about her, it’s all good memories. Not many people have been able to make me feel the way she did about myself. I miss it. In Poland, I cried whenever I went to her grave. I got emotional about my mom Saturday night and DDD was really sweet and tender about it. It was very comforting. That paired with The Little Prince this weekend made my heart feel a lot of feelings. You MUST watch The Little Prince. I loved everything about it. I’ve been listening to the soundtrack today and will continue to do so for a few weeks. Makes for good background music during therapy sessions.

I’m excited for the school year to start. I’ve been back for a week now, but it never feels like a start until the kids come. I’m excited to start the school year already knowing all my students, with the exception of transfers and new Kindergarteners. This is the most manageable caseload I’ve had ever. EVER. I’ve been getting things ready for Kinder RTI groups to work on language. I’m excited for so many one-on-one sessions. For the first time in my working adult life I have my own office and treatment space! I had an incredible summer and I’m optimistic for the school year. I am sad that I did not have a chance to go to NC for a week.  I always do during the summer! But because I did summer assessment and because school started so early, there wasn’t time.

I saw this and it made me laugh:

What are you afraid of?

So,

Today I went to CPI training, which stands for Crisis Prevention and Intervention. One tiny part of it involved going around the room and sharing what we are afraid of or what makes us anxious.  My answer was deep water, which is, in fact, something I’m quite frightened of. HOWEVER, that got me thinking about other things that scare me or bring me anxiety. Feelings, being vulnerable, and showing affection are high on that list for me. I haven’t been in all that many serious relationships.  In the first two, I knew where I stood right off the bat. Then with No Nickname C, we didn’t have a talk until 5 months in and, even then, I never felt comfortable.  Later, North Carolina guy was pretty explicit with that stuff too. This time around I have found myself in a situation that I haven’t been in before, one where there needs to be time given to line up ducks. Knowing you are/were one of many ducks is a weird feeling. It’s assumed early on when you start seeing somebody, but when it is explicit, then it’s weird. Anyway. Things that aren’t clear cut are not easy for me. Being insecure is bad enough, but having somebody else know you are insecure is worse. In the past few years, my confidence has increased exponentially. No Nickname C brought out insecurities. But, then again, people who are not truthful do that. Insecurity makes feelings hard. It keeps me from giving more of myself to another person because being hurt sucks.  No use in getting attached to people if they’re just going to die, or move, and leave for whatever other reason.

On our way back from Michael’s today (needed craft supplies!), my friend asked me how I express affection. I don’t do it much. Initiating anything is hard. Writing and doing it via distance is easier than speaking about it in general. It’s not like anything THAT terrible has happened to me to make me like this. I need to be Buddha about this and go back to not overthinking. Just go with it because he makes me happy. Right? Jump in?

That’s the end of the word vomit for now.

So. What are you afraid of?IMG_20160731_061443447_HDR.jpg