Elephant juice.


I am writing from North Carolina. I slept for 9 glorious uninterrupted hours.  I don’t sleep that long very often.  Anyway.  I woke up to a text from a guy I went out with exactly two years ago.  If you read my old blog, he was Bustling B originally. He had two jobs and a dog named Velma and was super busy. I think in the fourish month we knew each other, we saw each other a total of 6 or 7 times. But for some reason that was okay to me because he texted me everyday. Then one time when we were hanging out, he told me that he did cocaine and that while he doesn’t do it a lot, he’s been doing it more in the past couple of years. Then I think we texted for a day or two after that and that was it. Fast forward to last Monday morning, when I realize that I have been passing him on my walk from the train to school. And then Wdnesday, when I smile at him and chuckle to myself. He used to live out near Cumberland and of all the placed he moved to, he moved to Rogers Park. And of all the routes to take to work, his intersects somehow with mine. Anyway.  The text I woke up to was:

It was a little strange, how you just ignored me, huh? No? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.

I should ignore this, right? Or should I explain? I quit talking to you because you did cocaine and we saw each other like twice a month.
I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve had jumbled up feelings on a few different things that I couldn’t organize well into a post.

The election results surprised me, much like they did a lot of other people. I went on a roller coaster of feelings. First, it was the saddest I had felt since my mom died. I’m serious. Then I felt hurt because it made me realize how much hate there was out there. Then I got pensive. Imagine trying to console 8 year old language impaired kids who are terrified that their parents will be sent back to Mexico.  It’s hard explaining things to kids who don’t understand the concept of verb tenses or what a president does. In all honesty, I guess I’ve never considered myself that different from most Americans. But as it turns out, half of this country is very different. And as much as I may disagree with them and their views, I’m not going to look down on them or call them ignorant. Seriously. That’s not going to help anybody. This is half the country. They are different, not,worse, but different. I guess valuing equality isn’t a common to most Americans. What are American values? For serious. I feel like I don’t even know what both sides would agree on because they are so polarized.

Onto something happier.

I’m feeling all sorts of mushy feelings for DDD. We hang out a lot and have a solid mix of doing stuff with other people and alone time. He understands that I get overwhelmed by big groups and new stuff. He’s appreciative of little things and I feel really good around him. Making new friends as an adult is hard, but we recently made new friends with a cool couple.  We cook and do the Sunday crossword and talk and go for walks. He’s been introducing me to some new stuff, which makes me a little anxious, but is a lot of fun. I have this deep-rooted schema in my head of what a relationship should be. And while my thoughts on relationships are slowly evolving, it’s hard reconciling those two together. At times it seems like I almost want conflicting things. Overall, I think that I just worry about not having enough time. In the back of my mind is the thought that I will be like my mom and I won’t make it to 50. In the past year, I’ve determined that I don’t want kids. I do want a long-term committed relationship. But in addition to that, I’ll be open for now. Open to the point of being comfortable anyway. 

Here is Europe from my Children’s Atlas from the late 80s. USSR, two Germanies, Yugoslavia, and Czechoslovakia.


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